Another Break Up

There’s a reason why so many songs are out there about break ups. It doesnt matter if the listener has ever met or heard of either one of the persons involved, because we can all relate to them. A break up doesn’t have to be between lovers- friends, employers- even interests and places and become separated from you, and it’s a loss that we still feel and cope with.

These feelings- isolation, loss, separation, detachment- these are truly the source of all fear and negativity in all of us. No one wants to feel those things. If you do, please seek medical attention. Today is Saturday, June 09. It has been exactly one week since my almost year-long relationship ended. Towards the end, both of us knew it was over. In fact, the last 6, maybe even 8 weeks of it were some seriously pathetic times. We were very disassociated with each other. We seemed to both jump back and forth on different emotional tracks. Just holding conversations felt weird and awkward. Yet, none of that matters to your heart in the aftermath of a break up- you’re still going to ball your eyes out, make those 3am calls, constantly change conversations to talk about your ex- it just doesnt matter if it was prince charming you were with, or Voldemort. The quality of the relationship doesn’t change the fact that you were in one, and then you weren’t.

Relationships are made up of many different components. The companionship and partnership is really just another piece of it. There’s also the future-plans and dreams you build, which become a void when you break up, until you can cope with dreaming up something new for yourself. There’s also that sense of stability and security that you take for granted after just a few months- it’s one of the big attractions we have to relationships- knowing that theres a little more control in your life, something to expect to come home to, something to rely on. Trust and confidence are big components in relationships; you know you can tell your partner anything- you can vent about work, politics, your family, your neighbor, and you know that your reputation is a part of theirs, so your secrets are safe. Then there’s the whole financial side of it. This isn’t close at all to the heart, but of course sharing a home and bills and expenses certainly makes life a little easier to enjoy. Another major component is the physical side of a relationship- someone you love and care for that you can share something so close and private with- need I say more?

I could go on, but as someone going through the rift of emotions right now, those seem to stand out the most. Even if the relationship wasn’t a match made in heaven, you are still hit with a tidal wave of emotions. It’s because we are mourning. All those components in a relationship are very significant things to lose. It’s sad for me to think, on a personal level, that so often I have taken so much for granted when in a relationship. I’ve come to realize that sometimes I take a ‘I want my cake, and I want to eat it, too’ attitude. This is just too selfish, and my relationships continue to fail because of it. So once again, I am mourning the loss of another potential future, the loss of built-up security and stability, but mostly, the loss of someone I loved very dearly.

What can really put salt in the wound of a break up, is not only that feeling of loss, but while you’re going through this grieving process, really feeling the full onslaught of sadness and pain, you find out that your ex is not, because they have replaced you.

Unfortunately, this has happened to me. And of course, in the gay community, it was with someone I know. Someone that I actually used to be close friends with a few years back. We broke up last Saturday. They left on a road trip together- out of state for 5 days- just 3 days later. I’m having a hard time trying to cope with this. I actually don’t have any trouble understanding the logic that some people cope with break ups by jumping into another relationship- but it just doesn’t feel right. His new interest, my ex-friend, he actually had the balls to tell me on the phone that I’m just being crazy, that me and my ex are over, and I just need to get over it. This was only a few days after the break up.

A few words from me, to you, Chad: NO ONE is going to ‘just get over it’, 3 days later. How fucking dare you- especially considering how much I was there for YOU. You were a train wreck for months after you and J split up. Not only was it only days after the relationship was called off, but I was coping with having just learned that he was seeing someone else- you. To top it off, you were taking him with you on a road trip, so i couldn’t even try to see him to talk to him or make any arrangements regarding some personal things we still had going on! You are a complete twat, and I will never wish you well. I will always wish you pain and suffering.

Yes, it takes two to tango, and for Chad and my ex to be together and out on this road trip, it involves decision making on both parts. I am bitter that my ex jumped-ship so quickly. It’s not fair that I am coping with all of the loss I’m feeling, while he is instead feeling warm and fuzzy, building something new to replace me. This, I am understandably very bitter about. I am angry towards Chad, because of his comments. It was completely out of place, not to mention I feel he is taking my place.

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