I’m about 5 days away from the 2 month mark of being here in NY, and one of the reasons I wanted to move away for a bit was to really get in touch with myself. I wanted to take a break from everything and everyone for a while, that way there were no distractions or excuses I could use to avoid the inevitable truths that make up who I am, what my own thoughts and opinions are, and really get to know me better. It’s hardly been 2 months, but I feel like I’m really starting to accomplish that goal. So, here are some of my confessions, where I can admit some truth to both myself and others.
My lifestyle in St. Pete was toxic.
I wanted to move to get away from the alcohol-centered social life I had developed in St. Pete. I do enjoy going out, and I love the feeling of familiarity that goes along with getting to know the people and spaces of the downtown bars, but it’s so unhealthy, and expensive. Not to mention it puts your life on pause when you fall into a routine like that. Instead of going to school, or working on getting a better career, I was simply working on my alcohol tolerance, and how to get over a hangover the quickest.
I’m just a worker bee.
I am NOT good at maintaining social circles. I have to be lead into them first. I can be witty, I can be a lot of fun, and I know I get a small following from those I connect with, but I am no Queen Bee. It takes a lot of work to be the leader, to think of what to do, where to go, and who might be interested- and to then manage invitations and other people’s schedules- it’s like another job! So to those friends of mine who take the initiative on a regular day to day basis to invite me and others out, who pay attention when people talk about their commitments and schedules and then find that sweet spot of when most everyone can hang out- i commend you 🙂
I’m reclusive if I don’t have a task to do.
I have to have purpose before I step outside my home. Whether that purpose be work, to go shopping, get something repaired, or meet up with a friend for something planned- I generally don’t just get out of the house just to get out of the house. I’m working on fixing that. I’d like to think that every day I can have something, even if it’s small and trivial, be a good enough reason to get up and get out. Once I AM up and out, I usually am pretty good at being open and flexible. I’ve had spontaneous hair cuts, a small shopping spree at an asian market, and countless unplanned things happen while I’m on the way to or back from other plans. Part of my issue with going out without a plan or purpose, is that I feel awkward just going out to do something by myself… so this is where I break it off and make…
I hate eating alone.
I get super self-conscious when I go out to eat alone. I feel like there’s only certain kinds of places where it’s ‘acceptable’ to be out by yourself, like a coffee shop, or a small cafe or diner. Or a fast food place (but I don’t eat much of that anymore, so…)- Just having someone to meet up with for lunch or dinner is great. The company, the conversation- it adds a whole separate dimension to enjoying a meal, and brings the experience to another level. Not to mention you don’t scarf your meal down in 5 minutes when you are holding a conversation between each bite.
Jealousy and Envy = Inspiration.
After being here for about 6 weeks, I saw a lot of positive changes in myself. Being surrounded by so many more people, so many of which are so highly successful in EVERY way, it is inspirational. Without a social network of people taking up my time and thoughts, I am free to really look around at the people living their day to day lives, riding the subway and walking the same streets as I. You get jealous SO easily though. Here I am, surrounded by my peers- people the same age, who take the same trains and walk the same sidewalks, who listen to music and read on the train just like me- yet they have a rolex on their wrist, dress in designer fashion, and give off wafts of confidence as strong as the dolce and gabbana cologne they’re wearing. Yeah, I want that- I want the nice things, and I want the trail I leave behind me to smell like confidence and dolce. So, I’ve somehow managed to turn envy, into inspiration. I want it all- the health, the body, the looks, the clothes, the education, the degree, and the job. Every day I walk around Manhattan, that fire in me is refueled.
I’m extremely self-conscious
I overthink, I over-analyze, and I’m overly self-conscious. I look at people around me, and see their best qualities, then I look in the mirror and see my least favorite. I need to get better at being happy with myself. Being inspired to improve myself is one thing, but to live in a constant state of self-disapproval is unhealthy, and unfortunately that’s how I’ve lived most of my life. I was always told by my parents that I was better than I thought I was, but their words never really sank in- I figured it was just what parents were supposed to say. Being up here on my own, with very few who know me, I have the opportunity to really pay close attention to what others have to say about me. At the gym, the trainer to gave me my complimentary sessions for joining the gym told me I was much more flexible and in shape than I gave myself credit for, and I think her words can be applied in other areas of my life too.