I’m having one of those nights where you feel really contemplative about everything. You go through the emotions, the loneliness, the longing, the pity, the doubt… and then something inside you says, “Pick yourself back up. You’re here, you’re alive.”
A friend of mine posted online that they were going through a similar thought process tonight. It’s reassuring that someone else, someone who has been on this earth only a little longer than I, is in the same spot as I am. It’s such a big world out there- there’s so many different combinations of life events and people and opportunities and passions and dreams- any one person could do or become anything. I think we all want to find that magical combination where we find happiness and comfort, and become the best version of ourselves. I’ve often had the thought that, if only I had …. fill in the blank, doesn’t matter what- if only I had the latest wardrobe, if only my bank account was never dry, if only I worked out every day, that things could change and I would change. The truth of the matter is though, none of that stuff is really all that important. Those are just vessels that have been created by our society that give the appearance of holding the key to our individual happiness and success.
The things I’ve learned I enjoy are truly magical. The other night on the balcony, the air had a crisp chill, and I had my headphones in. I was listening to Banks’ album ‘Goddess’, and chills were running down my spine. The music, the tone, the vibe from the city, my mood, it all combined together in this perfect mix of what was exactly right JUST for that moment, and then it was gone. Have you ever looked up while right in the very middle of being surrounded by friends or family that you love, and had an out of body experience? Ever realized suddenly how warm the sunshine looks on their faces, how pleasant it feels to be engulfed in laughter? I have, and I wouldn’t trade those moments for the world. Thats what this life is all about. It’s not about how much money is sitting in your account, the brands of clothes you wear, the fancy car in the parking lot- it’s about those moments of connecting; the moment of impact when you and your conscious wake up and realize what is good in the world, and enjoy it.
Maybe this is part of why I’ve had such a hard time sticking to a life pattern or routine. I’d love to be able to have one, but then again, if I’d love to, wouldn’t I already have one?
Honestly… what I want the most in life is to wake up next to the man I love every single day. The smell of breakfast in the air- and hey I don’t mind being the one who’s cooking! The feel of his warm embrace, letting me know he’s mine and that I’m his, and of course, a kiss to seal the deal. Maybe we’d have a kid or two. I don’t know. That’s a decision I havent really made for myself, because in my opinion, thats a decision that should be made jointly. Either we’re both in it for the long-haul, or it’s not even an option. Personally, I want kids. I want to be a family, and give my parents another chance to hold a baby. But I don’t want to do it on my own. I’d like to think I’d have a job. Something fun and creative. Something that maybe doesn’t require any more than 40 hours a week. To be honest, if I could make a decent living and work part time, I’d do it. I’d rather be free to run the errands, take care of the house, prepare meals and, if it happens, take care of the kids.