So I think I’m finally seeing for myself what I, and my heart, did to me. It’s taken a few years, but I feel like I’m starting to see myself a little more clearly.
Breakups are never fun. In fact, they suck a lot out of you. For me, my big breakup was enough to cost me a career, my savings, and a little life force along the way. For the last 3 years, I’ve not felt like the same person. I’ve been here and present for my life and the things happening around me, but when I feel sad, I don’t feel as sad. And when I’m happy, I don’t feel quite as bright. I can’t remember the last time I went to do a mindless chore, and allowed it to just be mindless- and now that I think about that, I know why. Allowing a heartbroken person’s mind to wander will always lead them down a path that ends with the one they can’t be with. So, to keep that from happening, you keep your mind busy with chatter. You find ways to complain to yourself about whats wrong with the world around you, or start budgeting in your head, or think about what you’re going to make for dinner, or play music- anything and everything to keep your mind from wandering over to that painful place, to him.
My heart has put up some walls. And it’s really difficult to recognize that they’re there at all, let alone when exactly they went up, or how thick they are, or how hard it will be to break them down. But I feel that the acknowledgement alone is the first step, and a big one, towards tearing them back down.
Tonight has actually been very enlightening for me. I’m really evaluating myself and looking back on some of my decisions. I’ve tried everything in the book to get past my ex. I’ve tried dating people that looked like him, that reminded me of him, that treated me like he did- I even went to the great lengths of reaching out to his ex’s and tried talking with them about him. I threw myself into a new scene, found some new friends to hang out with, and even moved to New York City. Now, not all these things are strictly because of him. But I can confidently say that a lot of my life choices over the last few years have had a trickle effect from him and our breakup. I have been living in a heartbreak fog.
Now, this post isn’t ending on a sad note, because the whole reason for the post is, I’m acknowledging the fact that I’ve still been under the influence of this heartache, which means I think I’m ready to finally see more clearly, and get myself out of it.
I started this post 2 days ago, and today I do have some sad news. C and I are no longer seeing each other. I feel very sad about the whole situation because I care about him so much- the last thing I want to do is cause him any pain. Unfortunately, I can’t provide him with any more love and affection than what I have been, which isn’t enough. And at this juncture, we can’t go back to just being friends. Especially now that he’s told me he’s in love with me. We’ve been back and forth a few times, and more recently than ever.
The details of what happened aren’t necessary. We didn’t end with harsh words or violent actions, tears were on the way, but weren’t shed in front of each other. Enough time was spent that each of us could get out our last questions and comments, and then it was goodbye.
I miss him terribly. He’s such a wonderful human being. We got along so well, and had so many wonderful memories together. I am confident we would have had many more happy memories, but the scales were too off-set between us. It was no longer fair, and was beginning to lean towards selfish on my part for allowing the relationship to continue.
Having the awareness of this fog I’ve been living in helps me better understand myself. It’s hard to say if I’ll ever feel like the fog will ever be fully lifted. I certainly hope it will one day, and I also hope more than anything that I’ll meet someone that will make me question everything in my life, including the fog, and brighten every day 🙂 until then, I just have to keep moving, on and forward with my life.