Today I went back to work after some bereavement leave to say goodbye to Grandma. Here’s a few things that happened today.
I was starving most of the day. I don’t have enough money to buy groceries or even get something out of the vending machine. My account is very overdrawn, to the tune of roughly $160 overdrawn. Chase is no longer approving small transactions on my debit card. My lunch was rice and vegetables that I made the night prior. My car literally shakes if I’m going slower than 60 mph because something is messed up with the axle or coupler or whatever that connects my front-right tire to the axle. I do not get paid until Friday, yet that money is already divided up between a very past-due electric bill, a month-old credit card bill, a past-due water bill, bright house, and this eminent car repair. Not to mention what I need to survive on for the next two weeks. Oh, and I haven’t paid much in the form of rent to Mom and Dad in over a month.
To top it all off, I am feeling ever so disconnected from… everyone. Leo has written me off, probably as crazy and needy, and has no desire to be anything more intimate than acquaintances in passing. Eric already knows how dramatic I can be and has probably burned up all interest in seeing me ever again. Hannah probably thinks I’m the biggest ass on the planet. Brendan hasn’t spoken to me. Cassidy is patiently waiting, which is my only consolation, but even she has a patience limit, I’m sure.
And the funny thing is, I would love to be able to just maintain what I’ve been doing. I feel like I’ve been doing a great job of keeping my head down, having a low-profile, and not making any waves. I’m spending next to no money on anything, because I have no money. I’m not traveling anywhere but work because I don’t have the gas money to go anywhere except work, not to mention that every tire rotation without getting repairs done is a gamble that I could break something further and cause something much more expensive to be necessary….
This feeling of isolation, coupled with the crushing stress of being money-less, and to top it all off not having anyone to really talk to about any of it has made me a little stir-crazy. I’m managing as best I can, but I don’t know how much longer I can keep all of this up. I don’t know how much I can squeeze out of this coming paycheck, I don’t know how much it will cost to fix my only source of transportation to and from work, and I don’t know how much more isolation from friends and beyond that I can take.
Oh, and in the back of my mind, I haven’t even covered how I ALSO owe Pinellas County Clerk of Court for the 2 tickets I got on my birthday. I am hoping so much that the letter I dropped in the drop box was processed and that my request is granted that I can get a payment arrangement for the tickets. I am so broke. and I feel so unable to do anything.
But. I need to remember to breathe. I can do this. I can get through this period. I’ve been here before. I’ve felt this crippling sensation before. I’ve been hungry, and I’ve been running on empty in to work, and I’ve driven cars that have been in worse-shape.
it just really, really sucks. When things are going right, when money is in my account, when my car is running just fine, and my bills are paid, I still suffer from FOMO, from the fear that I am missing out on something amazing or important or life-altering, and when you feel isolated and separate, those feelings and anxieties are multiplied and heightened to a whole new level.
All I can do is just keep looking ahead, keep pushing forward. Maybe this point in my life is meant to break. Maybe I’m supposed to lose a lot of people in my life so that I gain the new ones I dream of. Who knows.
I want so desperately for things to finally go back to being somewhat normal for me. I have this vision of making good money, and taking care of my body, working out, hanging out with professional, mature friends, going out on fridays and saturdays and brunching on sundays,